As the Crow Flies

It’s not nice and neat don’t go down Main Street
or bother with the boulevard on blacktop two miles
Don’t take a left on gravel with sun in your eyes
you’ve got love as the crow flies

The upcoming exhibit of Quaker quilts
you can’t wait to tell him your step has a lilt
it’s not an affair you think with a laugh
it’s just that your real life
husband doesn’t like crafts

the crow flies
the crow flies
you’ve got love as the crow flies
the crow flies
the crow flies
you've got love as the crow flies

His ornate alchemy is ionic
his messy charisma is messianic
it’s not your fault Walt is your gestalt
you’ve got love as the crow flies

Chorus

so high in the sky
no traffic jams
goes wherever it wants
high in the sky
just goes wherever it wants

Black Watch Kilt

Sorry to let you know this way
Didn’t have your number something happened today
and we couldn’t find a black watch kilt for her
so she’s wearing navy blue

I remember visiting the two of you
at Middlebrook Hall never knew what you’d be up to
after class, you both the same, dancing around to 'Your So Vain'
wearing navy blue

little Annie found her by the stairs
we think five hundred people will be there
she’ll be laid to rest at the Fort, you know the one, by the airport
wearing navy blue

we’ve looked and looked for it everywhere
a black watch kilt we know that’s what she would want to wear
but we’re running out of time, really hope she doesn’t mind
that she’s wearing navy blue

Alice

What do you want me to do Alice,
do, Alice, do
What do you want me to do, Alice,
do, Alice, do

you want me to have some great career
Alice, some great career
then your mad I'm never here
never

Didn’t turn out the way we thought it would
still Alice what we’ve got is good
what we've got is good
Didn’t turn out the way we thought it would
still Alice what we’ve got is good

Don’t like how I take care of the kid, Alice,
I do more than my dad ever did
than my dad ever did
ever did

You’re mad that he’s just sitting in there, Alice
in his playpen, he’s supposed to be practicing his violin
but he’s only nine months, maybe ten

Chorus

Funny Voices

Give me one more chance
I can be like her
good with money
quote more from the Dow
Give me one more chance
I can be like her
be a mystic
quote more from the Tao

But does she talk in funny voices?
tell you your boss is an idiot?
Does she read to you from Playboy
when you’re driving on road trips?

Give me one more chance
I can be like her
have people give me nicknames
such as "lyric"
Give me one more chance
I can be like her
I'll take no prisoners
my battles are pyhrric

But does she talk in funny voices?
tell you your boss is an idiot?
Does she read to you from Playboy
when you’re driving on road trips?

Give me one more chance
I can be like her
give me one more chance
I'll get us front row seats
give me one more chance
to hear an evening of Keats

Give me one more chance

No Questions Asked

"When the driver is hammered
and you find you're two hours away
No Questions Asked I'll come get you."
He meant to say to his son that day

He says it when he visits
over and over until dark
It's pretty there where he lays down flowers
so pretty you'd think that you were in a park

No questions asked
No questions asked
No questions asked
No questions asked

He says it all the time now
under his breath again and again
if you're walking by you would swear
you would swear that you could hear him say

No questions asked
No questions asked
No questions asked
No questions asked

Friday evenings round town now
teenagers all roll their eyes
fathers lay the law down
and mothers start to cry

Poor People On TV (2:54)

Her husband had a child
With her own twin sister
Now they all live
in a double wide

They named the baby Doolittle
They call him Doo
The studio audience
Starts to boo

And we’re watching
Poor people on TV
Poor people on TV
thinking “Thank God that’s not me”
And we’re watching
Poor people on TV

The cops burst in a house
The folks there are really high
They beat each other up
Its pretty low

Their skin is really bad
They drop their I-N-G’s
It’s like an economic minstrel show

chorus

We watch crack babies being born
Some seem a little bit too still
We drink sodas and make popcorn
The network pays the hospital bill

Free Pancakes (4:40)

Let’s go to the diner today
And say it’s our birthday
And see if they give us
Free pancakes
Free pancakes

Let’s go ice skating outside
Be Peggy Fleming this time
Or Dorothy or Tai
Babilonia
Babilonia

People pay big bucks
To be like us
To play with Tonka Trucks
To be free

Let’s ride Secretariat
Rope mustangs with a lariat
Drive a Ben Hur chariot
At your house
At your house

Let’s read your sister’s diary
Quote it back to her and see
Her cry hysterically
At the dinner table
At the dinner table

People pay big bucks
To be like us
To play with Tonka Trucks
To be free

They’re biggest complaint
Wish they could reacquaint
With their memories and paint
Them differently

And get to know their infantile
Guileless puerile
Precocious Oscar Wildelike
Inner child
Their wild inner child

Scared to Have Kids by Julia Douglass (3:20)

The senior partners did the math
Cut the staff in half and each took home
A hundred million dollars
The senior partners fanned the flames of fear
With Mexico and NAFTA as their smoke and mirrors

They hired some back
some as temps
To make ends meet
a temp sold hemp
He got fifteen without parole

I’m scared to have kids

The public schools are sucky in my city
And private school is thirty grand a year
And lots of pop music has such nasty lyrics
And the pants the children wear are falling down

If some dumb young kid with growing pains
Is caught with dope
He gets fifteen to life without parole

I’m scared to have kids

I know there are people much
Braver than me
Out there doing it
Raising beautiful families

The wannabee grandmas in my life
Tut tut
I’m sorry
Can’t do it darlin’s
I ain’t got the guts

My Boyfriend is a Genius by Julia Douglass (3:37)

My boyfriend oh he’s a genius

it’s hard for him to be in this world
I’m lucky just to be his girl
To be girlfriend of a genius

My boyfriend he likes me around
Because I’m funny I’m the clown
I make him laugh
I make him smile
I make him
Genius my boyfriend is a
Genius

My boyfriend his friends all revere him
It’s a thrill just to be near him
To be close by his side
To be along just for the ride
To be in circles of
Genius

My boyfriend is a
Genius

My boyfriend is sometimes unkind to me
But that’s because his mind you see
Is special
he is brilliant
he is smarter
Than everyone else
it’s hard for him
He gets so bored
to socialize is such a chore
He is different he’s unique he belongs to the minds’ elite
Cause he’s a genius

I want to make prank phone calls with you
I want to play ding dong ditch with you
And when people ask me
Where'd I get my good humour
My smile is sad
I say I had a good tutor

I want to talk about first loves with you
Skinny dip at country clubs with you
Really miss those lazy
Delicious delinquent summers
Talk about God and what we'd do
With a million dollars

You kept homecoming from turning sour
For a shy reedy weedy wallflower
I thank you
I never ever thought that I'd be one
To be quoting that Long Island son
When all is said and done
Only the good die young

I want to toilet paper lawns with you
Right teenage misdemeanor wrongs with you
You a Rumpelstilskin, a twinkly Peter Pan
Tell me did you ever find Prince Albert in the can
It hurts the most your absence
In what's turned out to be extended adolescence
I miss you
And when I prattled on that night so selfishly
Obsessed about whatever would I be
You said quietly
You wanted to make it twenty-three

It’s Good Again by Julia Douglass (3:59)

She lives with her boyfriend
Its been eight years now who’d have foresaw
He’s probably her husband now
In common law

He comes home and grunts hello
Turns on the game
If his team loses he goes ballistic
Pillow talk for him is baseball statistics
But it’s good again
It’s good again
It’s good again

Did he do something different
Did he change most recently
Cause he’s coming up the driveway
And God knows why but for some reason
She’s weak at the knees

Is it the manly way
He changed the motor oil
With such a confidence and sense of purpose
That man knows what he wants it makes
Her heart beat fiercely loyal
It’s good again

Chorus

Her neighbors say they’d bottle it
And sell it if they could on the road
It’s good again it’s probably just that
You reap what you sow
Still no one knows for sure though
It’s good again is mystery
Just enjoy while you can
And she said that’s good enough for me

Get Your Name Out There by Julia Douglass (3:04)

On TV they had the richest man in the world
On TV they had the richest man in the world
‘O richest man in the world
Please give us one of your pearls
Of wisdom ‘O richest man in world

And he said ‘early to bed early to rise’
He said, ‘early to bed early to rise’
early to bed early to rise
eat right and advertise
early to bed early to rise
and one more thing

get your name out there

everybody’s gotta be part P.T. Barnum
everybody’s gotta be part P.T. Barnum
part P.T. Barnum above all else yeah bar none
everybody’s gotta be part P.T. Barnum

cause it’s not who you know
it’s who knows you
cause it’s not who you know
it’s who knows you
we get our capital gains
from our connections not our brains
it’s not who you know honey honey
it’s who knows you

so get your name out there

it used to be that a lady
was in the paper, was in the paper
when she was born, when she married
and when she died

well if you think self promotion
is unseemly yeah is unseemly
well after you strike it rich
that’s when you can go be shy

Would You Remarry? (4:15)

If I died would you remarry
If I died would you marry again
I read somewhere the happiest husbands
Remarry quick cause they liked it so much

You say must you be maudlin
We’ve got enough trouble you’re looking for more
Your head is spinning making up problems
I’ll never remarry I know I’ll die first

If I died and you remarried
What would she be like would she be like me
Would she be tiny, tart tongued amuse you
Or would she be a buxom earth mother and soothe you

Would I care would I haunt you
Angelically
Would I care would I hover
Ethererally

When she boldly says the word awry
Would you quizzically say don’t you mean awry?
Scoff you call me your silly goose cupcake
But tell me would remarry if I died

If I died would you remarry
If I died would you marry again
Scoff you call me your neurotic punkin
But tell me would you remarry if so when if so when

Would I care would I haunt you
Angelically
Would I care would I hover
Ethereally

And would you bring her
Coffee on Sundays
Would you make her laugh raucously
at saucy Chaucery limerick songs

gonna get it right
gonna get it right this time
gonna get it right this time yes I am
gonna get it right
gonna get it right this time
gonna get it right this time yes I am

said the man starting his second family
he's got a brand new baby,
he's fifty-three
he has other sons and they are all grown
he didn't raise 'em he was never home
he hardly knows 'em at all

and as he kisses his baby's feet
it's bittersweet never has he felt so complete
it's different now
he had his other kids way too soon
back then in his life their just wasn't room
he's ready now

chorus

numbers game, after all these dances
after all these chances, I know this one'll hit
numbers game, after all these tryin'
after all this cryin, I know this one is it

chorus

said the woman who blames all her woes
on men, now she knows her life is up to her
it's her job for her to find her joy
it'll be just like a brand new toy
that's what she's learned

oh its a human quirk you do the work
you gotta go where the troubles lurk
but that's half the fun
she's steppin' up to the plate,
that girl's got try she has made a date
for her time in the sun

When I'm living in Scarsdale
and I'm a drunk and my kids hate me
will you still call me
with tales from the city
about the lovely boys you
pick up in the Springtime

and I'll listen with vicarious glee
about how that down down by the Battery
for you eye contact is the currency
guys are getting away with murder
no dinner and a movie

promise to call me when I'm in Scarsdale
when I'm in Scarsdale
promise to call me
in Scarsdale

when my husband and I get in a fight
he says that space is the final frontier
and congress should spend lots of money to find new life
I say why when we can't get along with the life that's here

chorus

we'll get on the speaker phone and both work on our abs
and you'll tell me one more time what you see in Babs
we're saving up for surgery to freshen up our features
cause men deny in perjury they are visual creatures

When you kiss me
Do you think of her
I know you're a good man
So please please

Don't become rash
because you stash
her picture in your heart

When you kiss me
Do you think of her
She'll fade away
she's just a phase

I benefit from
this cerebral love play
Last night you were
the galloping gourmet

Do you wonder
how can I be sure
that she'll fade away
as long as you never ever say a word
about her

Let's just say I've
been in your shoes
honey you've got a lot to lose

When you kiss me
Do you think of her
She'll fade away she's
just a phase

Did you to keep harmony
sweep something under the rug
Did you do a song and dance today
cause you were bit by the acting bug

well good for you

Did you peak in high school
has it since for you been all down hill
are you just a big ol' softie
who never can move in for the kill
did you instead of a quick fix
did you go back to the drawing board
did you greet your neighbor,
with a jovial 'what can I do you for'

well good for you
Did you ride your bike today
did you learn how to do the foxtrot
did you fall in like today
did you thank the world for what you've got
did you though lack of chemistry
do your best on a blind date to amuse
did you fight the good fight and give a voice
to unpopular views?

well good for you

Did you throw out the TV
and invite your friends over for charades
did you take your little nieces
to go see the Ice Capades
did you read a poem today
did you read a poem that did not rhyme
did you stop swearin' like a sailor and now you cuss
'may you live in interesting times'

well good for you
were you in all of your despair
brave enough to take a helping hand
offered from someone who cared
did you finally make piece with your past
did you today say I love you
cause today might be your last

I know I've got, the gift of, the gift of
the gift of gab,
its a gift
I wish I didn't have,

people they say that I'd sell my mother,
for a laugh
I'm unembarrassable,
what's a social gaffe?
but I don't talk about you

I don't talk about you

I don't know why but
I can't bear it, I can't bear it
an awkward strain,
what's some personal pain?
if you can entertain

people they say I'm indiscreet they say
they think its fear
that if I stop talking
I think I'll disappear
but I don't talk about you

honey hon
its all in fun
don't tell anyone

But remember Tom and Sue and their hideous kid
who had the same unfortunate looks as a katydid
they thought that kid had a face a camera would reward
so they called up Eileen Ford
we had a good howl

There's a reason he's single
There's a reason he's free
there's a reason he's able
to go out with me
his own mind fascinates him
so he goes to a shrink
pays 200 an hour
to hear 'well what do you think'

There's a reason he's single
There's a reason he's free
The reason is there's no one else
with whom he'd rather be
sometimes he gets lonely
thinks true love might be nice
but then he sees a big red flag
called "compromise"

A weekly fortune
buys him a "your not ready yet
she's not right for you
you must have all your needs met"
so he lets her go his potential Juliet
and with relief mixed with regret
he gets a pet

chorus

commitment the thought makes him ill
his parents hate each other still
what if he makes a big mistake
what if he trips taking that leap of faith

I must have done something right
something great in another life
how can I be so lucky
I must have cured some big disease
or was a hard working well mannered plebe
how can be so lucky

when I think of the near miss
how close a call this came to not exist
I wake up in a sweat in a fret
good golly we almost never met
what on earth did I do, to be so lucky
to get you

you were at the bar feelin pretty low
cause your date didn't show
how can I be so lucky
you were at the bar singing drunkenly
karaoke "Okie from Muskogee"
How can I be so Lucky

chorus

I've always had a thing for someone
somebody daft
I've always had a thing for someone
who could make me laugh

I don't care if you're down on your luck,
life's Hot Potato, Duck Duck Grey Duck
don't care if you still live with your mom
and she packs your lunch everyday

don't care if you got a bum knee
don't care if you've got a tin ear, a tin eye
you're a slob and you live in a sty
I'm yours if you make me laugh til I cry

don't care if you can call the Queen kin
if you want to get under my skin
you gotta be a Harlequin
maybe then the beguine will begin

Amuse me

Don't care if you've got a bad arm,
if can spin a real good yarn
one that makes even my hair curl
I don't care if you throw like a girl

surefire way straight to my heart
is if you can act out all the parts
real fast yeah lickety split
do ten minute version of Moby Dick

don't care if you can call the Queen kin
if you want to get under my skin
you gotta be a Harlequin
maybe then the beguine will begin

Amuse me

in this crazy mixed up world
tilting windmills tilt a whirl
the only way I won't nuts
is if I die laughing busting a gut

WANNA BEE
I wanna be rich baby
I wanna be good
I wanna live high and mighty
Like a body should
I'm a wanna be

I wanna be warm and loving
I wanna be proud and feared
I wanna be everything to
Everybody here
And oh I just wanna be
I'm a wanna be

I wanna be mystical have people say
"oh, how right brain"
wanna be logical have a Dr. before my name
I wanna be outrageous
Have people say "oh how madcap"
My laughter to be contagious
"yeah I wanna be known for that"
and oh listen dear
I wanna be everything to everybody here

Oh hear me sing
I wanna be everything
I wanna be oh what are we gonna do
I know you're all wanna bees Too

I wanna be creative leave behind work when I die
And be a Total Woman make a love morning noon and night
I wanna be noble in poverty
humble if I have great wealth
an antidote to boredom give a speech like Barbara Jordan

Oh hear me sing
I wanna be everything
I wanna be oh what are we gonna do
I know you're all wanna bees Too

You may say I wanna have it all
Setting up for a humpty dumpty fall
And we all know that every gutter bin
Is filled to the top with talented folk
Who are spread to thin I'm spread too thin
I wanna be

My Boyfriend oh he's a genius
It's hard for him to be in this world
I'm lucky just to be his girl
To be girlfriend of a
Genius

My boyfriend he likes me around
Because I'm funny
I'm the clown
I make him laugh
I make him smile
I make him

I make him laugh
I make him smile
I make him
Genius
My boyfriend is a
Genius

My boyfriend
His friends all revere him
It's a thrill just to be near him
To be close
By his side
To be along just for the ride
To be in circles of a genius
My boyfriend is
A genius
My boyfriend is
Sometimes unkind to me
But that's because his mind you see is special
He is brilliant
He is smarter than everyone else
It's hard for him
He gets so bored
To socialize is such a chore
cause he is different
he's unique
he belongs
to the mind's elite
cause he's a genius

genius
genius

You've come a long way, you say, baby
I hear you roarin'
You've come a long way, I say, baby
Let's even the scorin'
You've come a long way, you say, hooray
It's better than the fifties Come a long way, I saw, hooray
Secretaries have bachelors degrees

Did you really think that things would be different
With a handful in the House and two in the Senate?
Do you think the boys'll suddenly go
Yeah here are the keys girls get outta your ghetto?

Do you think it's gonna be easy
With Dopey and Mopey and Rhenquist and Sleazy
Don't you know in this eleventh hour
That nighting will change until we get power

Did you really think that things would be different
With a handful in the House and two in the Senate ?
Do you think the boys'll suddenly go
Here are the keys girls get outta your ghetto
Here are the keys girls get outta your ghetto

I know I've got short hair
But let's pretend it'd down to there
Before you sell me for a song
Let's pretend my hair is long

I know I'm not to the manor born
On occasion blow my own horn
Stop your scheming stratego
I'm screaming leggo my ego

You're not the roof over my head
You're not supposed to keep me fed
If my bacon can be your bread
Why don't you want me in your bed

Quit your insecurity quest
Its not some do or die contest
There's nothing wrong with second best
You think too much I doth protest

When times for me someday go bust
Like yin and yang as they must
Will that then bring back your lust
Will that then bring back your trust

You say you don't feel like it this time
Well they say that sex is in the mind
You say you don't feel like it this time well
Lay back and think of any old kind

I want to make prank phone calls with you
I want to play ding dong ditch with you
And when people ask me
Where'd I get my good humour
My smile is sad
I say I had a good tutor

I want to talk about first loves with you
Skinny dip at country clubs with you
Really miss those lazy
Delicious delinquent summers
Talk about God and what we'd do
With a million dollars

You kept homecoming from turning sour
For a shy reedy weedy wallflower
I thank you
I never ever thought that I'd be one
To be quoting that Long Island son
When all is said and done
Only the good die young

I want to toilet paper lawns with you
Right teenage misdemeanor wrongs with you
You a Rumpelstilskin, a twinkly Peter Pan
Tell me did you ever find Prince Albert in the can
It hurts the most your absence
In what's turned out to be extended adolescence
I miss you
And when I prattled on that night so selfishly
Obsessed about whatever would I be
You said quietly
You wanted to make it twenty-three

Susanna goes to boarding school
Summers she goes to math camp
She rides an appaloosa

Jenny's in her third third trimester
Cause there's just nothing else to do
In appalachia

Well I'm not afraid of a mean jock who's had to much Vermouth
I'm not afraid of royalty even though I am uncouth
I'm not afraid of demons I can face the ugly truth
The only thing that scares me
The only thing that scares me
Is disenfranchised youth

City kids have a drug lab I thought wow
Self starter knack for chemistry
Gifted kids in out community
Let's get a science club going

But folks responded with punity
unimpressed with ingenuity
looking through their skewed up prisms
that money's earmarked for their prisons

Well I'm not afraid of a mean jock who's had to much Vermouth
I'm not afraid of royalty even though I am uncouth
I'm not afraid of demons I can face the ugly truth
The only thing that scares me

Jenny is a sponge
She's got wide eyed limpid orbs
Jenny is a sponge
What's around her is what she absorbs
You can go ahead
Call me a bleeding heart
Honey I've got cynical
Down to a fine fine Art

I want some pink carnations and a beehive hairdo
Would you think I'm pretty?

I want some pink carnations and a beehive hairdo
Would you think I'm pretty?
If I wore some pink carnations and a beehive hairdo
Would you think I'm beautiful?

If I poured myself in jeans and wore high heels now
Would you think I'm pretty?
If I wore my ruby lips in a pretty bored pout
Would you think I'm
Would you think I'm beautiful?
Would you think I'm
Would you think I'm pretty

If you wore an Armani suit and a big shot attitude
Would I think you're pretty?
If you drove a real fine car and out nation's future
Would I think you're
Would I think you're beautiful?
Would I think you're
Would I think you're beautiful?
My grandma said to me this beauty thing is as deep as
An epidermal seven layer cake
She said its all win-win
Cause beauty comes from within

So I say to the boy with the wild eyes
I want you
Like a fortune and lots of free time
I want you
When I'm weepy and whiney creepy
A sensitive soul make me laugh
you're a joker a juggler
oh you're a whole one man show

treat me fine like a poet a princess a genuine pearl
treat me fine like lady a lawyer like a really smart girl
when I'm weepy and whiney and creepy
a sensitive soul
make me laugh you're a jester a comic
oh you're a whole one man show

baby I know that you're different
and that you battle demons in your brain
well I'd rather have you than somebody sane
and I know you can be unfaithful
but my patience will never fade
not when the other woman's a razor blade

I want you
I want you
I want you

So I say to the boy with the crazy eyes
I want you
So I say to the boy with the hazy eyes
I want you
When I'm weepy and whiney and prickly
A sensitive soul
Make me laugh you're a good storyteller
You're a whole one man show

Dearie I know you get teary
And that you're hearing voices in your head
Well I'd rather have you than somebody braindead
Dearie sometimes I get teary
I've joined a secret club I say on the street
Aren't you happy for me I'm in love

Nature or nurture hey you're a searcher hey
You want mama to appear here
I'm not maternal hey if there's a kernel
Of that Bore War in my core

Well possibly I'll give to thee some TLC
but baby don't come to me to wipe your nose
chauffeur webelows
start kissing boos talking goo goos
tell you a cow goes moo

I can't mother you
Cause it isn't any fun
It makes me feel like I'm sleeping with my son
I can't mother you

But we'll sizzle and we'll spark giggle like Hart to Hart
We'll be a hep party with arty repartee
Our soirees won't be banal
Coco Chanel will chat up Chagall
At our bacchanals
I'm Zelda you're F. Scott
Up on tables will gavotte at our
Ex-patriot left bank East Village

When the stock market'll crash
To our salon friends'll dash
Because of you know who you and me baby
We're the glue

But I can't mother you
Cause it isn't any fun
It makes me feel like I'm sleeping with my son
I can't mother
You

When life gives you a lemon grove
Somewhere in there's a treasure trove
In this land
This country
You must think positively

Cause there's no safety net
You're slide nothing offsets
Except your tete-a-tete
With that cheery cadet

When your knees wobbly quake
And all you hold hear dear is at stake
Just remember The Trinity
Look 'em in the eye remember their name
Say it over and over like you just came
But no one can fake a firm handshake

Jettison that fearfulness
Bring on the cheerfulness
Nobody likes a gloomy Gus
Positivity's a must
Life's so great I could burst
Success quenches my thirst
So many first names create a din
Its hard to hear eachother spin

When your knees wobbly quake
And all you hold hear dear is at stake
Just remember The Trinity
Look 'em in the eye remember their name
Say it over and over like you just came
But no one can fake a firm handshake

What makes that little old ant
Think he can decipher kant
Everybody knows an ant can't read